Friday, February 6, 2009

High Anxiety

I guess YouTube is not a foolproof method of finding any and every little bit of video you can ever think of, after all. I wanted just a short video of Mel Brooks falling over a spinning optical illusion, and I couldn't find it. Oh well.

Not that I've been suffering from vertigo, or been harassed by incontinent birds. But I've felt a bit anxious this week. And the anxiety is twofold: lawyers, guns, and money. No wait, that would be threefold. And there haven't actually been any problems with lawyers or guns. Naps and money. That's it. Naps and money.


It turns out I'm rigid and prefer predictability. For many, many months now, Thumper's been on a set nap schedule: 10-12, and 4-6. Every day. Like clockwork. I stuck to it; he stuck to it. Everyone was happy. But I always felt this nagging sensation that kids his age don't still nap twice a day. I mean, do they? I don't know. The Austin Stay-at-Home Dads have 10am playdates every weekday; if that's the case, how could their kids possibly nap twice a day? They can't, that's how.

Consequently, I always watched carefully for signs that he was ready to give up that morning nap. Recently, I thought (again) that maybe he was ready. He was taking longer to fall asleep, during both his naps and after evening bedtime. And since Meals on Wheels screws up that nap schedule on Tuesdays, I thought now was the time. So this week, we experimented. 11:30, 11. Today 1:45. He's fine, but the not knowing is giving me strange sensations in my chest. Will he go to bed earlier in the evening? Will he wake up earlier in the morning? Will he totally lose his shit if we go to lunch with Uggy Buggy? At every turn, he's been fine, or pretty close to it, but me, I'm a nervous wreck.


And after the middle of March, when basketball season is over, the ushering shifts pretty much dry up. And it's only going to get worse over the summer. And the company that was giving me copywriting work is "re-organizing" and won't have much or any work for me for months. Aerie read the emails I received and said it didn't sound so much like a brush-off to her, so maybe I'm just paranoid. Maybe they really will come back to me in a few months. Either way, that's still a few months. And there's not much database work for me. And babysitting was my biggest money maker, and I walked away from it. On purpose. And yeah, money's kind of tight. And I'm out there trying to solicit some work, but I have a fundamental lack of confidence in my ability to convince anyone to pay me money because I have no specific education or training I can point to that says I'm qualified. And... Well... And... I don't know. I lost my train of thought. What was I talking about again?

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