Thursday, January 10, 2008

Wifely Duties

Since I've been doing this job for almost 3 1/2 months now, I thought it was time I did the Full Housewife and got down on my knees.

You know, to scrub the kitchen floor. What did you think I meant?

I'm not particularly particular when it comes to cleanliness. I'm not cleaning the floor on a weekly basis. Or monthly. But we have one of those Swiffer things, and every time I use it, I get pissed off. It's completely useless if your floor has any more texture than, say, your average pane of glass. So I'd use it, curse it, and put it away for another couple of months, then use it, curse it, put it away. Every single time, I'd look at the dirt still stuck in the pattern of our tile and think that some day I'd scrub it with a brush. For some reason, today was some day.

If this is how housewives before 1972 spent their days, it's no wonder they wanted to leave the home and join the workforce. It kinda sucked. I spent almost 4 hours, split between two Thumper naps, on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor with a brush, then wiping up the dirty water with a sponge. I kept thinking about Girl 6, Spike Lee's movie about a phone sex girl. In it, one of the phone sex operators acts out Richard Belzer's character's fantasy of a big-breasted woman in a short dress scrubbing a floor in "big, soapy circles."

Wait, where are you going? You got this far through a story about scrubbing a floor, and you're going to let the proximity of the words "sex," "Richard Belzer" and "fantasy" chase you off?

Well, anyway, I scrubbed a floor today. I thought about my mother telling me years ago that I'd make someone a good wife some day. I compared myself to a big-breasted vixen in a short dress. In the end, my manhood returned, though. As I neared the end of the job, I thought to myself, "I wonder if this will get me laid?" Sure, years ago, that thought would have occurred to me much, much earlier in the project and probably would have even been a prime motivating factor in undertaking the project in the first place. But at least I still thought it. I'll take what I can get.


anniemcq said...

Oh, Rodius, you leave me laughing every time.

I've flat out told my husband that when he does the dishes it's foreplay. If he got down on the floor and scrubbed? I think that might have to be my going fantasy for a while!

And I totally agree about the Swiffer. We use it in his bathroom on a daily basis, but I mopped and scrubbed yesterday (in-laws coming today), and was amazed at the ACTUAL color of the floor.

Purelight said...

I'm pretty sure I said EXCELLENT wife, and meant it as the highest compliment. Love from the mother!

the other lion said...

Hate the Swiffer, too. I take the cleaning pads--the wet ones--and get down on my knees to clean the floor. Does that make any sense at all??? The actual Swiffer is shoved somewhere in the back of my closet, in pieces.

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